[ that sure is the big question, isn't it? is she okay? ]
More okay than I thought I would be? It hurts, but not the way I thought it would.
[ but it also happened over a month ago. she's just not going to mention that. ]
Maybe because things haven't felt right for a while, so it almost feels like some part of me was expecting it. The signs were there, I just ignored them for too long, I guess. I don't know.
[ the question definitely makes her bristle, squinting at her phone before she drops it next to her on the bed, which frees up her hands to tangle up in her hair as she unceremoniously drops backwards to lay down. it shouldn't be a difficult question, but it is, for at least two reasons. one is that she's still trying to come to terms with certain things about that question, and the second is that steve harrington is the one asking it.
she curls up on her side, grabbing her phone to text him back ]
That's not really a yes or no question, you know? I don't think it's even possible for it to be a yes or no question, after a certain point. It's never that simple. [ she says, unironically, to the one person she's pretty sure is convinced that she never actually loved him. she doesn't know if he intentionally stumbled into a topic that cuts so close to something they never actually got to talk about with their own relationship, but. there it is. it's different than her situation with jonathan, but "love or don't love" was at the center of that, too. ] There are things I love about Jonathan, yes. Things that I thought were all core parts of who he is. But it turns out that those things are actually very circumstantial? And I can't be with someone that only becomes the kind of person I want to spend my life with when we have a monster to fight.
[You either love someone or you don't, right? You can't just kind of love someone or maybe you can? That would be pretty unfair and selfish. Maybe he's got this whole relationship thing wrong or maybe he never actually got it at all?
Relationships were complicated for so many reasons. ]
Because it's not. If a relationship doesn't work, it's never just that. It can't be. There's always more to it than yes, or no. There's a million reasons. Because you can love someone, but that doesn't make them the right person for you. Or make you the right person for them. You can still love someone even if they don't understand you, or want different things, or even if they hurt you. You can love the idea of someone, or love who someone used to be, or love someone for the person they become when things get dark.
So do I really think I might have loved some parts of Jonathan so much that I ended up putting enough weight into just those specific things, that I could ignore all the other things that didn't work in our relationship? Yes. But then he lied to me, again and again, and he made choices for us that I should have been a part of, but treated me like he thought he knew what I really wanted, better than I did. And it was enough that I couldn't conveniently ignore the signs anymore, and the the person I pieced together out of the things I loved about him just couldn't exist anymore.
Nancy's message stings a little too deeply for his liking and by the context of them he can tell he's pushed her a little too much. It's not his place to pry for information as to why. It's none of his business to know every detail as to why Jonathan decided to call off their relationship.
Maybe it's because she was so set on choosing him over Steve? That she seemed so certain that she made the right choice. Not that Steve would have been the right one either. He's done pretty unforgivable things in the past, things he's grown and learned from.
But then she's explaining that Jonathan had lied to her and suddenly it seems like this breakup has gone a little deeper than what Steve expected. ]
[ one day they'll talk about it. actually talk about it. and she can confess that it never felt like she made nearly as many choices as it might have seemed, back then. that she let too many choices be made for her. she chose to let jonathan help her take down the lab, and to leave as soon as they had the chance. she let jonathan and murray mansplain to her how she "really felt", and let herself believe it. ( ugh ) but she didn't choose the way she finally told steve how much she was hurting, she didn't choose to never talk to him about it after. in a lot of ways, she still doesn't feel like she actually chose jonathan, either.
because she did go with jonathan when they needed to get the mindflayer out of his brother, yes, but that.. that's the thing that sticks out the most, she's realized, over time. the way her heart sank into her guts when steve told her that she should go with him. that it was okay. because... was it? she doesn't remember what she said at the party, only that it was enough to make steve doubt that she ever loved him, and when she found that out what happened, she was too overwhelmed by the fact that she blacked out to say much of anything. that definitely wasn't okay.
and she did consider seeking him out again before leaving with jonathan, she wanted to, but ultimately she was too determined to finally do something about the lab. and everything felt so rushed, in the few days after that. because it had to be, in a way. but it made sense at the time, waiting, because she could always find steve after, right? explain that she needed to do what she did. then try to find some solid ground to figure things out with him. her ugly truth was out, after all - that she couldn't keep pretending things were normal anymore, because she was too angry, and felt too guilty, and that she was willing to go too far to uncover the truth and make the lab pay for their direct involvement of the death of her best friend. so she didn't feel like she needed to hide that side of herself from him anymore. and she likes to think she would have even been able to handle steve's way of coping after that, of trying to drop all of the traumatic shit they've dealt with, with the goal of feeling like things were normal sometimes, now that she was able to give barb's parents the closure they needed. maybe she was finally ready to move on and find some sense of normal again, too. that it wouldn't have felt like pretending.
but they never got to talk. and when steve so earnestly insisted "it's okay", she was right back in that ally outside of the gym, too unprepared, too uncertain, and too quiet. and steve had every right to draw his line in the sand in that way, make it clear that he knew what he was seeing, that he thought she had made her choice, and that it was okay. but it really didn't feel okay. it felt unresolved. and it felt like another choice had been made for her. but admitting that would have been too selfish, she convinced herself. it would have felt like she was trying to blame him for their breakup, when really, it was no one's "fault". neither of them were wrong. they weren't in the same place with certain things, and didn't know how to communicate that. it was just.. messy. and her feelings were messy, too, but she did love him. that was never a lie. it just didn't seem right to make sure he knew that, after the fact.
she still can't believe he thanked her. even if everything else he told her about how he's changed and his life's changed since then felt good to hear, he really had no business thanking her for it. she might of held up some kind of mirror for him, made him want to rethink his priorities and whatever else, but she still fucked up. she always felt like she had, anyway.
and now they're here. and it doesn't feel like they've come "full circle" or anything, that isn't quite right. but there's a reason why she can't seem to let go of that one specific thing he said - if we were meeting now for the first time. because... it almost did feel like she was being introduced to someone new, and was meeting him for the first time, the moment he pulled up in his bmw after fred was killed.
shit. ]
I probably should have just kept all of that to myself. You don't.. need this. Nobody needs this. I'm sorry. Can we just pretend I said that I only went to that stupid party because I thought it was a study group, or something?
[He doesn't want her to feel awful or regret certain choices she's made. She's made them for certain reasons and if one thing he's learned about Nancy Wheeler is she's both determined and stubborn. He doesn't want to admit that their relationship was possibly doomed from the start despite how it slowly started to become unhinged.
They wouldn't have worked. Plan and simple right?
He doesn't blame her for anything, especially the end of their relationship. That wouldn't be fair and honestly it would be selfish. He chooses not to remember the events that night at the party regardless of how they haunt him from time to time. He could have easily blamed it on the alcohol, claim she was talking out of her head.
Only her words held some truth to them.
What matters is he's learned and grown from it. At least he hopes he has. Maybe Nancy was just better off on her own? Perhaps they all were? ]
You don't have to apologize, Nance. I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries. Its none of my fucking business anyways I guess I just-
Easy on the alcohol, yeah? Especially if you're by yourself.
[ honestly, if there was ever a time he did overstep, it would have been during the talk they had as they made their way through the upside down to the creel house, but even that somehow... didn't feel like he did something wrong. maybe it should have. she has- had a boyfriend, at the time. but instead it just sort of... shook her up. in a good way. a good, confusing way.
but now totally isn't the time for that. ]
What? No, I'm not drinking now, that was last night. And it was at a party. I don't plan on drinking alone.
[ okay it's not like he can't keep things to himself just because she had a moment of, uhh, spilling her guts via text message a couple minutes ago, but still. ]
It was just one party, Steve.
[ she's not... offended offended? but she might be wondering where the emphasis is coming from ]
I'm not regretting a lot. I'm not regretting anything. I don't regret going to the party, and I don't regret making out with that guy. Or bailing on him ten minutes later. Or anything else we're talking about right now.
The only thing I might regret is accidentally texting you about it in the first place.
What? No, that's not I regret it because now you're treating me like I don't know Like I'm on the verge of doing something stupid, or reckless, just because Jonathan and I broke up. But I'm not. I'm fine.
[ she sure sooounds fine. she's also assuming things now, too. it's fine. everything's fine. ]
[ when she's feeling a little less jumbled up! because this is so not how she wanted to tell him about jonathan. and she doesn't actually know how she would have wanted to? but "not like this" is a safe guess. ugh. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i'm feelin chaotic today
More okay than I thought I would be? It hurts, but not the way I thought it would.
[ but it also happened over a month ago. she's just not going to mention that. ]
Maybe because things haven't felt right for a while, so it almost feels like some part of me was expecting it. The signs were there, I just ignored them for too long, I guess. I don't know.
I love it!
You tried talking to him?
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I'm pretty sure we both already said anything there is to say about it.
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[Steve nooooo]
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she curls up on her side, grabbing her phone to text him back ]
That's not really a yes or no question, you know? I don't think it's even possible for it to be a yes or no question, after a certain point. It's never that simple. [ she says, unironically, to the one person she's pretty sure is convinced that she never actually loved him. she doesn't know if he intentionally stumbled into a topic that cuts so close to something they never actually got to talk about with their own relationship, but. there it is. it's different than her situation with jonathan, but "love or don't love" was at the center of that, too. ] There are things I love about Jonathan, yes. Things that I thought were all core parts of who he is. But it turns out that those things are actually very circumstantial? And I can't be with someone that only becomes the kind of person I want to spend my life with when we have a monster to fight.
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[You either love someone or you don't, right? You can't just kind of love someone or maybe you can? That would be pretty unfair and selfish. Maybe he's got this whole relationship thing wrong or maybe he never actually got it at all?
Relationships were complicated for so many reasons. ]
You really think that's what it is?
she has tooo many feels honestly
Because you can love someone, but that doesn't make them the right person for you. Or make you the right person for them. You can still love someone even if they don't understand you, or want different things, or even if they hurt you. You can love the idea of someone, or love who someone used to be, or love someone for the person they become when things get dark.
So do I really think I might have loved some parts of Jonathan so much that I ended up putting enough weight into just those specific things, that I could ignore all the other things that didn't work in our relationship? Yes.
But then he lied to me, again and again, and he made choices for us that I should have been a part of, but treated me like he thought he knew what I really wanted, better than I did. And it was enough that I couldn't conveniently ignore the signs anymore, and the the person I pieced together out of the things I loved about him just couldn't exist anymore.
As she should tbh
Nancy's message stings a little too deeply for his liking and by the context of them he can tell he's pushed her a little too much. It's not his place to pry for information as to why. It's none of his business to know every detail as to why Jonathan decided to call off their relationship.
Maybe it's because she was so set on choosing him over Steve? That she seemed so certain that she made the right choice. Not that Steve would have been the right one either. He's done pretty unforgivable things in the past, things he's grown and learned from.
But then she's explaining that Jonathan had lied to her and suddenly it seems like this breakup has gone a little deeper than what Steve expected. ]
He lied to you?
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because she did go with jonathan when they needed to get the mindflayer out of his brother, yes, but that.. that's the thing that sticks out the most, she's realized, over time. the way her heart sank into her guts when steve told her that she should go with him. that it was okay. because... was it? she doesn't remember what she said at the party, only that it was enough to make steve doubt that she ever loved him, and when she found that out what happened, she was too overwhelmed by the fact that she blacked out to say much of anything. that definitely wasn't okay.
and she did consider seeking him out again before leaving with jonathan, she wanted to, but ultimately she was too determined to finally do something about the lab. and everything felt so rushed, in the few days after that. because it had to be, in a way. but it made sense at the time, waiting, because she could always find steve after, right? explain that she needed to do what she did. then try to find some solid ground to figure things out with him. her ugly truth was out, after all - that she couldn't keep pretending things were normal anymore, because she was too angry, and felt too guilty, and that she was willing to go too far to uncover the truth and make the lab pay for their direct involvement of the death of her best friend. so she didn't feel like she needed to hide that side of herself from him anymore. and she likes to think she would have even been able to handle steve's way of coping after that, of trying to drop all of the traumatic shit they've dealt with, with the goal of feeling like things were normal sometimes, now that she was able to give barb's parents the closure they needed. maybe she was finally ready to move on and find some sense of normal again, too. that it wouldn't have felt like pretending.
but they never got to talk. and when steve so earnestly insisted "it's okay", she was right back in that ally outside of the gym, too unprepared, too uncertain, and too quiet. and steve had every right to draw his line in the sand in that way, make it clear that he knew what he was seeing, that he thought she had made her choice, and that it was okay. but it really didn't feel okay. it felt unresolved. and it felt like another choice had been made for her. but admitting that would have been too selfish, she convinced herself. it would have felt like she was trying to blame him for their breakup, when really, it was no one's "fault". neither of them were wrong. they weren't in the same place with certain things, and didn't know how to communicate that. it was just.. messy. and her feelings were messy, too, but she did love him. that was never a lie. it just didn't seem right to make sure he knew that, after the fact.
she still can't believe he thanked her. even if everything else he told her about how he's changed and his life's changed since then felt good to hear, he really had no business thanking her for it. she might of held up some kind of mirror for him, made him want to rethink his priorities and whatever else, but she still fucked up. she always felt like she had, anyway.
and now they're here. and it doesn't feel like they've come "full circle" or anything, that isn't quite right. but there's a reason why she can't seem to let go of that one specific thing he said - if we were meeting now for the first time. because... it almost did feel like she was being introduced to someone new, and was meeting him for the first time, the moment he pulled up in his bmw after fred was killed.
shit. ]
I probably should have just kept all of that to myself. You don't.. need this. Nobody needs this.
I'm sorry.
Can we just pretend I said that I only went to that stupid party because I thought it was a study group, or something?
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They wouldn't have worked. Plan and simple right?
He doesn't blame her for anything, especially the end of their relationship. That wouldn't be fair and honestly it would be selfish. He chooses not to remember the events that night at the party regardless of how they haunt him from time to time. He could have easily blamed it on the alcohol, claim she was talking out of her head.
Only her words held some truth to them.
What matters is he's learned and grown from it. At least he hopes he has. Maybe Nancy was just better off on her own? Perhaps they all were? ]
You don't have to apologize, Nance. I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries.
Its none of my fucking business anyways I guess I just-
Easy on the alcohol, yeah? Especially if you're by yourself.
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You guess you just what?
[ honestly, if there was ever a time he did overstep, it would have been during the talk they had as they made their way through the upside down to the creel house, but even that somehow... didn't feel like he did something wrong. maybe it should have. she has- had a boyfriend, at the time. but instead it just sort of... shook her up. in a good way. a good, confusing way.
but now totally isn't the time for that. ]
What? No, I'm not drinking now, that was last night.
And it was at a party. I don't plan on drinking alone.
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[Well!
Maybe he's said a bit too much or maybe not enough?]
I meant watch it on the alcohol period. Hangovers can be a real bitch.
Good.
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[ okay it's not like he can't keep things to himself just because she had a moment of, uhh, spilling her guts via text message a couple minutes ago, but still. ]
It was just one party, Steve.
[ she's not... offended offended? but she might be wondering where the emphasis is coming from ]
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One party or not. Sounds like you're regretting a lot already.
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regretting a lot.
I'm not regretting anything.
I don't regret going to the party, and I don't regret making out with that guy. Or bailing on him ten minutes later.
Or
anything else we're talking about right now.
The only thing I might regret is accidentally texting you about it in the first place.
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Sorry I assumed other wise.
Why? We aren't together or anything like that.
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I regret it because now you're treating me like
I don't know
Like I'm on the verge of doing something stupid, or reckless, just because Jonathan and I broke up.
But I'm not.
I'm fine.
[ she sure sooounds fine. she's also assuming things now, too. it's fine. everything's fine. ]
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[Why must you be this way, Nancy?]
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I wasn't implying anything, Nancy.
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I'll talk to you later, I guess.
[ when she's feeling a little less jumbled up! because this is so not how she wanted to tell him about jonathan. and she doesn't actually know how she would have wanted to? but "not like this" is a safe guess. ugh. ]
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